Lying here not knowing what I need

Lying here not knowing what I need, what I want or why I breath!

Tell me oh knowledgeable ones, what am I seeking? is it pain, is that why I am weeping!

I woke this morning to a feeling of loss, I had slept most of yesterday, what a big doss!

Where are those that are meant to love me in this world, are they not here, I don’t matter I suppose!

I read an article of a man without a hand, he feels happy though, because he had not left this land!

I feel he is still a lucky man, far more than I could ever know, he has his mind still in his control and 1 hand with which to help him grow!

No one understands me, no one sees my pain, no one can even appreciate how much I can copy the rain!

Scared of a child, scared of anything I see, why is my room the best and safest place ever for me to be?

I am meant to be somewhere special today, celebrating a happy event, but I sit here in my room feeling down because I totally feel I’m spent!

You out there, who are you to me, do you know what I suffer and can you actually feel what I feel?

No one is in this place with me, so lonely and emotional am I, they say it’s only depression, instead why not just take an eye!

Dying is not an option, or is it should one try and see, but then I have loved ones, will they actually miss me?

Shut up you pathetic piece of crap, you’re a shame upon those you love, they will all look back upon your life and say how very sad he was!

Why am I not worried about what anyone may say, why am I not thinking about how I’ve got through this day?

I have this anger inside me, it is boiling and boiling so hot, that if anyone says anything or looks at me disturbingly, I will truly give them a bop!

It’s like I no longer care about my own self or the great family pride, perhaps it’s a wish inside of me that says why give a shit you will soon die!

Happiness is a blessed feeling ok, to those that think they know it all, I may have everything to be happy for, but without happiness nothing feels good at all.

Family & friends have all supposedly been there, they all know what to do and say, I just sit on my own and cannot talk to them, it’s even real hard to pray!

Has anyone ever seen such days, does anyone have a clue, is it just me or am I a freak or is this whole thing actually true!

Psychotherapy I attend, but why keep taking this punishment, I wake the next day hoping better from life, but it’s like not having paid ones rent!

CBT I tried before, I thought it would have a great impression; perhaps it would have been easier if I’d spent nights in detention or prison!

Counsellors are there to listen, but only worry or care if you’re suicidal, tell them you’re having a hard day and it’s like they sound bored and suicidal!

What’s wrong with you then, have you been to see your G.P? Perhaps you need to go for a walk or talk to relatives, as I cannot really help you see!

Oh suddenly I feel like jumping off something, maybe I should go and do it now, No, please wait Sir let’s talk for a while, I will try to help you out!

I’ve given up on telephone calls, I’ve given up on my family understanding, I thought that my family would help me out, but they too now say nothing!

My wife is from India and doesn’t understand what Depression is, her attitude is hard to take sometimes, as all she does is cry whenever I mention it!

My so called friends don’t and can’t help me as they have their own sad troubles; I sometimes feel as though I burden them, giving them unwanted stories of my woes!

Religious belief is so hard to keep up, little can I focus or show, my family have a high level of respect in society and my late father is well known!

Act like a person that has control they say and believe you can do anything, but that is the crap this world expects, when all I can be is an emotionally wrecked mad thing!

I feel so crap and horribly bad, like a pathetic waste of space, like a man that is such a loser in life, who is causing his family so much disgrace.

I wish I knew what I had to do, I can only live each day, but how long can I do this for, when will all this damn therapy pay!

Those that know me, may probably be most happy knowing that I now rot, those that hate me are most probably hoping it continues over the full time I’ve got!

Little do I know, little have I achieved, few are those that like me, but many are those that now probably enjoy knowing this pain is inside me!

Is this all true - have I now become very silly and so very insane, am I no longer myself but a person acting very stupid lost in the brain!

I don’t know who I am anymore, who is this writing these words, Will I understand and read all this tomorrow and think I’m not so badly disturbed!

No one can see or hear what I can, no one understands my pain, Come someone take me away from here and allow my family to be happy again!

Work has tried to support me, but the cause of my troubles they first were, I tried to be a good worker, but one manager caused all of my sad hurt!

I want to write so very much, but I have to go to sleep, despite my already having slept for hours, I still feel tired, sleepy and weak!

I stop this writing with a prayer, one that I hope will come true, it’s not just for myself, but for all other sufferers, which may include even you!

I hope oh lord, I hope and pray that one day I maybe better, and if there are others out there in the world like me, they too also get better!

Please lord, send us all a cure, may we not think of harming ourselves, may we all live happily in our families again and not be grave stones or urns on shelves!

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