A Leap of Faith [top]
Here we go again, sighed Hazel as she slumped into her garden hammock. With her college essay completed, her depression now descended more heavily. All at sea - at the mercy of her emotions - she passively succumbed. A week ago she saw the source of her unrequited love, Ashley, with a girlfriend. Of course he had a girlfriend; it just highlighted how little she knew about him and how quickly she lost her heart. Even though she was still in her 20's, she could see a pattern developing. She had fallen secrety in love before. Without signs of mutual interest, it felt foolish to express her affection. Hazel herself was pursued by some students; it was the unwelcome pressurised nature of this that decided that her affection remain undisclosed, unless reciprocated. However painful, the feeling of love was beautiful, gentle and - for her - had nothing to do with the imposing, manipulative energy of lust. She couldn't afford emotionally to keep repeating this pattern but how to make sense of it, let alone change it. Most of her friends were also unlucky in love. It felt like the norm. Was it bad luck? Sabotage? Fate? She was just too low to rationalise and reached for her drink. She noticed that the grass needed mowing. Wistfully she mused that if this property wasn't rented she'd have a small meadow with long, bright wild flowers swaying in the breeze. Imagining this, she smiled weakly. Suddenly the sun came out, lighting up haphazard areas of the garden. Hazel acknowledged this in a subdued, distant manner. She then caught herself thinking that the appreciation of this scene was not for her. For the first time she had become aware of this thought process - dismissing something pleasant in self-punishment. It had to be this way didn't it? Hazel recalled her college essay on humanistic psychotherapy. She was drawn to this positive subject because it differed from her fatalistic mindset of accepting how things were. Her essay was on the practical application of choice/exercising freewill ... although intriguing, she wasn't sure it could be true. Were they just kidding themselves ... that reality could be so optimistically transformed? Believing in the illusion? She had never put it to the test and here she was, in this sunlit garden, with her depression. She looked around her - could this shining greenery be appreciated, in her current state, if she chose it to? How could she let it in? That was IT! Choosing to confront her ingrained, self-imposed barrier and ALLOW herself access to a fuller experience. It felt timely so she opened her mind to this possibility. She looked around the garden with fresh
vision. For quite some time noting changed and she started to feel foolish. Hazel was just about to give up when her perception shifted. The heaviness began to lift and she became both humble and excited, like she did as a child. There was now nothing inbetween her and the garden. She could feel the beauty around her - the golden rod radiant in the sunlight, the shafts of sunlight streaming through the oak tree, tinged with intermittent rainbow edges. Her leap of fatih consolidated into knowledge - that freewill can truly be accessed; we can CHOOSE how we react to situations. Although, being in love, she still felt all at sea, she was not at the mercy of her emotions. The shoreline was in sight and she had now acquired a new energy that would enable her to swim to safety......
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