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Feeling list(less)


I like to write “to do” lists; sometimes I even write things on the list that I have already accomplished just so I can cross it off the list. It’s that feel good factor. Clean the car. Tick. Pressure wash the driveway. Tick. Or something less dramatic, get dressed. Tick.

On good days, my list will go something like this, get up, wash, dress, do washing, tidy kitchen and eat breakfast take meds. Tick. Tick. Tick. Crazy really because they are all such mundane and straight forward things to do and easy to cross off, but give a great sense of satisfaction to see that horizontal line across the paper.

Yet, when my depression hits and my monster is out of his cage and motivation is sadly lacking, just writing a list is an achievement in itself. Write a list. “Yeah, later.” And if someone else tries to motivate, that’s even worse, it’s like trying to keep a three-year-old quiet in a library. It’s not going to happen!

“Are you going to get out of bed, Sandy?”

“Yeah.”

“Like, perhaps, sometime today?”

When I’ve written a list. Maybe.

But if I do manage to get out of bed I sit and stare blankly at the four walls and try and think positive thoughts. When I’m eating my muesli I practise my Mindfulness. Close my eyes and concentrate on all the different ingredients in my mouth. The nuts, the flakes, the fruit, the taste of the milk. I try and keep my mind purely on the Now and when my mind starts to wander, sending itself off on a merry dance, which it inevitably does, I try and hook it and reel it back in.

It’s no easy feat, the mind is a powerful beast when it wants to be. I’m trying desperately to concentrate on sliced banana, rolled oats and seeds and my mind is thinking about the national debt and whether I’m due at the dentist this month, which then creates another whole host of worries and anxieties, but back to my muesli.

It takes a lot of will-power and practice to calm the mind and I haven’t mastered the art of Mindfulness just yet, though I’m working on it, it will be on one of my “Thing’s I need to accomplish” lists, when I write it of course.



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