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It's all about me

I refer to my depression as ‘the darkness’, as that’s what it feels like when I have a particularly bad episode, like being in a pitch black room and unable to find the light.

Friends have said I hold my depression quite close to me, and although some see that as unhealthy it is quite true - it’s part of me that no-one will ever fully understand except me, even other sufferers. As sufferers we can empathise with each other but all of our experiences and ways of dealing with it are different. It is part of me. I’m not me with depression and me without depression, I am a whole person who also suffers with depression.

One of the hardest aspects I find about depression is feeling like I’m obsessed with myself and how I feel, yet I’m not a selfish person in any way and I’d do anything for anyone, so much so I recently got scammed out of £4.20 by a man pretending to have been beaten up and had his wallet stolen. I have to try very hard not to get wrapped up in myself and I do it by attempting mindfulness (easier said than done). I try to focus 100% on whatever I’m doing - brushing my teeth, walking to work, watching a film etc. As an over thinker this can be quite hard as I realise I’m just repeating “I’m walking to work” over and over again in my head, luckily just my head though as I’d get some funny looks from passersby. Also I try to be positive so that when I don’t get a job I wanted or can’t get a ticket to a gig, I make myself remember this isn’t the world punishing me for being a bad person, it just is what it is.

I don’t really agree with thinking that there are others worse off as a way to try and gain perspective, I just concentrate on how I can make myself feel better. Everyone says to try exercise and I massively agree, not just because of the endorphins but also because of the feeling of saying I’ll do something and then actually doing it. That applies to more than just exercise, like saying I’ll meet a friend and then actually going through with it and not cancelling, thinking I’ll try not to drink too much this weekend (makes everything 100 times worse).

Depression is our illness and part of us but it doesn’t need to be all that we are. We are still people with personalities, who smile and laugh until our faces hurt, but sometimes the darkness takes over for a bit and people just need to be supportive and wait for the light to come back on.

In the words of Yazz, the only way is up!

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